Daisy's the friendliest flower

came down with a flu on sunday and had to take ML yesterday so tat i cld get well. am nv gg to make the same mistake of pushing myself too hard. health is priority for me now.

but when i got to sch tis morn, felt woozy after a while. had to go grab myself a cup of hot milo lest i black out. so M told me tat i was to stay put in sch to rest while the rest of them go to vivo city for the trail. i tink i slept too much yesterday. my bp muz hv been really low cos of poor blood circulation due to the chemo. 

i really nd to learn to rest.

i hv been tinking abt how sometimes we cease to praise people cos of our pride and insecurities. 

but i got a revelation tat really set me free from tis so tat i am pretty sure tat praises can flow out of me much more easily from now onwards. so tat, like wat pastor preached today, there will be no more "envy, strife or division" 1 Corinthians 3:3.

when we acknowledge the strengths of others, it is not denying ourselves of our own strengths, was wat the Holy Spirit dropped into my heart juz now when i was bathing. in other words, when we think tat the others are good in sthg, it could be tat we are equally good in tat same thing too. a chinese saying goes, heroes acknowledge heroes, ying xiong shi ying xiong. it is entirely probable tat someone else is as good in the same things tat we r good at. i realised tat there are always strife between people cos our pride wants us to be the only ones who r good at tat sthg. our pride wants us to be the only ones who r being blessed, who r successful. but it is a fact tat God is good n we cannot fault Him to be such a good God! many of us tink tat God is good only when He blesses us n complains of unfairness when He blesses those whom we tink are undeserving cos like wat God asked in the Bible, "Or is your eye evil because I am good?" Matthew 20:15, forgetting tat it is entirely "lawful for (Him) to do what (He) wishes to do with (His) own things" Matthew 20:15.

it takes security in the Lord to be able to truly share the joy of others. tat the Lord loves me too and He will bless me too. i gave a big card to one of the girls in sch the other day cos she wrote to me telling me tat she has no friends and tat she is unhappy in sch. i was moved wif compassion for her n thus, remembering wat pastor preached abt exaggerated love, i decided to give her a big card. so i did n then i got a letter fr another girl. tis girl has always been close to me n she was the one who cried when i went back to visit them during my absence fr sch. she wrote tat she thot tat i was so nice to give tat girl a big card but she was also sad tat the girl got the big card n despite her having given me so many letters n cards, i hv not given her sthg like tat. it got me tinking abt how we behave like tis little girl too. tat we give according to wat we receive n wif a motive. so i had to assure her tat my love for them is the same n tat i needed to give the big card to meet a need to be loved in tat girl. the Lord meets all our needs n He loves us all the same.
it takes the love of the Lord to be able to share the sadness of others so tat we go to them not wif sympathy but wif empathy. when i was first diagnosed wif cancer, i had people say to me tat it cld b worse. then i realised tat wat they actually meant was tat "it cld b worse. it cld hv been me". they came to me wif sympathy n i didnt, n still don't, need sympathy. wat i need, my cell grp mates n family n many close frens gave me. LOVE. lots n lots of love. it doesnt matter tat they cant understand the pain n all but love never fails. love is always the greater power than sympathy n empathy cos love is the greatest thing of all, the Bible says.

today, pastor preached abt wat spirituality is.
spirituality is having the mind of Christ. 
n wat is the mind of Christ? character and holiness. 

carnal people will love wif a motive. spiritual people, wif the mind of Christ, will love wif a motive too. the former love themselves n thus love for themselves. the latter love God and thus love for others. it takes godly character to b able to love like God.

it is true. it is all in the mind.

one of my kids came up to me after class one day n told me tat she had a hard time trying to get her groupmates to respect her as their leader. 

so i asked her abt her r/s wif her groupmates n she confessed tat she is not frens wif them. then i gave the advice tat she shld start by building up a r/s wif her groupmates first n then it wld b easier to lead them. i added tat she shld start by becoming a fren to one of them through writing notes or juz smiling more. 

it was the Holy Spirit speaking. n at tat instant, i thanked the Holy Spirit for the wisdom. He has shown me leadership skills through tis incident at school and convicted me of the need to build r/s wif people first before leading them. head knowledge is important cos it is the beginning to which the knowledge flows to the heart to become convictions. 

three words hit me during pastor josh kelsey's preaching yesterday. 

Come and see.

i realised tat i hv not spoken these three words much to many people ard me. these three words may well be the catalysts to which a missionary is born. these three words are which the Lord uses to turn cynicism ard for the good of His kingdom. 

three simple words tat open the door to one's extraordinary destiny in God.

was doing my QT the other night when i was impressed to pray for the exclusion fr the barium enema wif my "mustard seed faith". 
so i told God all abt it n at the end of it, i had the feeling tat it was done. 

so i went to see my surgeon on wed n when it came to arranging for appts for the CT scan and barium enema, i tried to get my surgeon's sympathy of my fear of the latter procedure.

me: dr s, can i dun go thru the barium enema? i am really afraid of it u noe.
surgeon: (thought for a while) no, it's better that u go thru it.
me: huh? do i hv to? i am really afraid of it. it stresses me out.
surgeon: (paused for a second) no, it's better that u go thru it.
me: sigh.(paused) so wat is the barium enema for?
surgeon: to make sure tat the wound has healed.
me: but my wound is in the rectum only right? so can juz pump the barium to the rectum n then stop?
surgeon: (paused and i waited in anticipation) yes, we can do tat. 
me: really?! so tat means the barium dun hv to be pumped all the way into the large intestine? 
surgeon: yes, we dun hv to pump the barium all the way in.
me: YAY! 

i thanked God in my heart there and then n reckoned tat tis was the best deal. so i went to the nurse outside to fix the appts for the procedures.

nurse: so ur appt for the CT scan will be in august.
me: n there is a barium enema too rite?
nurse: oh? it is not written here. i'll go check wif dr s.

a while later,
nurse: dr s said tat u dun hv to go thru the barium enema.
me: (stunned look) wat? dr s said tat i dun hv to go thru the barium enema?
nurse: yes.
me: YAY! YAY! YAY!

so God heard me again n settled everything for me again. hallelujah! i was near tears cos i really juz had a mustard seed faith for tis. i always thought that i muz muster all the faith tat i hv n be so filled wif it in order for the Lord to move. now i realise tat i still did believe wif my mustard seed faith, juz like how i believe when i am full of faith. when we believe, no matter how weak, God will move oredy. God saw tat even though in the physical, things did not seem probable to me but yet i chose to believe in Him and not succumb to my own conjecture and conclusion of things. tis is wat the Lord is teaching me. abt choosing to believein the intangible power n intangible God tat i serve.

indeed, "If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be pulled up from the roots and be planted in the sea,' and it would obey you." Luke 17:6.

saw my orthodontist on tues and it is almost for sure that i wld hv to re-wear my braces again, for the teeth hv shifted.

it is actually nthg tat i shld b fretting abt, esp aft all tat i hv been thru which hv been worse than braces. but then again, it might b cos of the fact tat i've been thru so much tat hvg to go thru the braces again really does not seem like the compensation tat i've been waiting for n tis got to me. 

i am angry at myself. like wat my orthodontist had said to rub salt into the wound, i shld hv gone back to him earlier when the 1st set of retainers tat he had given me made me puke. i had relegated them to the shelves for life. but a straight set of teeth was definitely not at the top of my agenda when i was battling cancer. 

it is frustrating to hv to go thru the braces again. actually, it is not the braces per se but the thought tat all tat i had done to get my straight set of teeth have come to nought. those 18 months of hassle and working of my patience hv come to nought. it's almost a re-enactment of how the efforts of putting on weight have come to a nought too when i lost them all cos of the cancer. 

it has not been easy. sometimes i get the feeling tat things are juz not going my way. i wonder if i hv done sthg wrong the 1st time round so tat i hv to build everything from scratch again. i feel so tired.

i rem wat pastor has preached before. tat with God, sometimes we juz hv to grit our teeth n start everything all over again. it's like being re-born and starting everything on a clean slate. perhaps it is indeed God's grace tat i get to hv a fresh start. tat wif tis fresh round of braces will come new experiences and new doors being opened. my trust is in God's name. if He wants me to go thru it again, i will grit my teeth and go thru it again.

shut up satan. flee from me for i resist u in Jesus' name.

i have been feeling frustrated. 

somehow i feel like i am drained. there is seriously alot of constructive work tat i hv to do in me when it comes to people- work so tat as i carry a burden for their souls, i am not bogged down by tis burden. 

cgl said tat when i begin to lead people, i live, breathe and think my sheep. 

it is not easy. i find myself living n breathing and thinking of them all day long. esp when they r facing obstacles in their lives. i find myself racking my brains n putting myself in their shoes a whole lot so as to try to find a way to help them cope with things better. in the end, i end up wif a perpetual wrinkle between my brows. tis is not the way. i hv to work with the Holy Spirit n tis is the root of my frustration. i cant seem to be anymore attuned to Him than before, despite praying for it. so i bought the book, "Moving in the Spirit", and a sentence hit me. 

it takes time.

of cos.

the 120 believers waited 50 days before the Holy Spirit descended on them during pentecost.


if i want the Holy Spirit bad enuf, i will be patient and wait. i will persevere.

was reading the garfield comic strip in the papers n was amused. joe was jabbing garfield abt its impending birthday n how it shldnt be too troubled by its age. 

yes. the day is coming when i will officially make tat reluctant shift to the next age bracket. well, then i will be the youngest in tat age bracket, which is not a bad thing. wat is impt is wat i hv at tis age. do i hv the wisdom of a woman my age or even beta, more wisdom than women my age? wat i hv in my heart, is it bigger than wat other women my age hv in their hearts? wat i see wif my eyes, is it further and greater than wat women my age see wif their eyes?

age is but a number, joe quipped in the comic strip. i absolutely agree. i can b tat age but not look tat age n yet hv the wisdom of a woman beyond tis age. i guess tis mindset is impt to me as i prep myself to conquer life in this new age bracket. 

tis birthday is significant to me. i hv juz battled the biggest battle of my life so far n triumphed beautifully by the amazing grace of God. tis shift into the next age bracket also marks the shift into the new phase of my life. a new level. a new mindset. a newly yielded heart to the Lord.

i am turning 30!

had din wif P last night n she showed me tis pic tat she took of her fren's 7 carat engagement ring. 

tat ring is a mammoth of a ring. P placed her thumb next to the ring to show the relative size n it sure turned out to b a real obscene image! the ring is almost as big as her thumb, nail included! so i cldnt get over tis image n was harping n harping on the colossal nature of it when we were paying for the dinner, when we were walking to the lingerie dept, when P was choosing her bra and when we were shopping in the DFS at park royal hotel. 

tat ring cld prolly pay for my apt, P said, wif me gaping wide-eyed as she uttered tis string of myth-like words. P stays near district 10.

so i told her tat her ring's so big it looks fake, P shared n i was nodding furiously in concurrence induced greatly by tat bout of jealousy welling up in me.

n to top it all off, P categorized tis 7-carat- fren's husband under the "top husbands of the year" category. tis created a brouhaha in my little heart. how God loves them! it is not fair! but then, why am i crying foul when God is merely showing His goodness? God is a good God! :))

Jewelers Asprey & Garrard were inspired to make a real Heart of the Ocean diamond necklace. The result was a 170 carat heart shaped sapphire with 65 diamonds, each 30 carats. http://www.cyber-depot.com/titanic.html

a heart of the ocean for moi! :)))

it's a season for travelling and so wat wld everyone be doing? scrambling out of the country apparently. 

so i'm stuck here under orders by my chemo doc. n i feed my appetite for travel by getting myself hooked up to the life-saving drip of discovery travel and living. we chinese have a saying, look at the plum and quench the thirst. looks like i'll be watching alot of tv for my hunger for travel is insatiable at tis full- blown stage. but it will wane once the season is over and everyone comes home. 

i dun like to be left behind. but i've tis feeling tat tis is happening, when people ard me r gg hkg, london, bangkok, usa and japan. so, deep down my heart mutters resentfully, "fine. go play when i am on chemo". haha. but then i hv a coping mechanism too. i shop! predictably, tat sort of placated my heart a great deal. alright, perhaps i really am an easily- contented woman when it comes to pleasure. tis is good. i am not hedonistic. :)

meanwhile, perhaps i can help people in their travels too. to journey from the wilderness to the promised land. :))

was reading the papers the other day n was greatly amused. tis fastest guy in the world who clocked a below-10s timing, for the 100m sprint i tink, is called Bolt. haha. perhaps i shld christen myself 'rich' when i finally get water baptised. 

or maybe 'beautiful', 'gorgeous', 'heiress', 'blissful'... ...

was on the way bac hm fr church in Ln's car when we had tis conversation:

Ln: so M was telling me tat when she was driving tis morn, she saw a hamster got knocked down by a car. (laughs)
me: serious? oh no! n wat's so funny abt tat huh? a hamster got knocked down!
Ln: it is funny cos M was describing how the hamster was shaking really hard before it died.
me: oh no. so poor thing! why didnt it run away?
Ln: M said it did. some cars honked at it and it jumped back into the bushes.
me: haha. muz b so silly to be honking at a hamster.
Ln. yeah.. haha.. n then it ran back out again.. then it got knocked down.
me: no. i tink it's another hamster. 
Ln: huh? another one?
me: yeah. i tink the two hamsters made a bet. like "okay! i made it back! it's ur turn now!" so the second hamster ran out but got knocked down.
both of us: hahahahahaha! 
Ln: it could be like tat! hahaha! never thought of it tis way!
me: u know, i am wondering if the birds near my place are becoming sillier. cos their reflexes are so slow. i was driving out from the carpark when i saw tis bird in the middle of the road. usually they will fly off when they see a car approaching but tat bird was still in the middle of the road when i was nearing it. so i had to slowly slowly drive towards it n then peep in the side view mirror to see if it had hopped away. luckily it did. 
Ln: haha. mayb tat bird is blind leh?
me: cant be. cos it was looking at me.
Ln: then mayb it is deaf!
me: hahahahaha. mayb!
Ln:eh, mayb it is a mentally challenged bird! so dunno how to fly away.
me:hahahahahaha! yeah hor! hahahaha.

such is our silly conversation on the journey back. pastor preached abt jumping out of the box. i guess we juz did tat!

met W from cg for lunch last week n i became a 'prospect' wif at least a million bucks to invest in her co when she brought me up to the lounge for prospects. the feeling was good n we got a kick out of acting rich. so the lounge was on the 50th floor n the view was amazing. before tat we were on the 49th floor n the view can parallel tat from swissotel's equinox. n can u believe it when i say tat tis breathtaking view is taken in by the staff having their lunch n breaks everyday? tis is good staff welfare to me. n to top it all off, there is this vending machine tat was packed wif drinks of all sorts n W juz had to tap her staff pass n out came a drink. free. 

so here i am back at my workplace n the drop-glass windows are the nearest to tat paradise of a staff lounge of tat utterly utas building in the CBD. but i guess the warmth of the people i work wif absolutely compensates the lack of the physical environment. i came back to a desk piled wif work (tat of my relief teacher) n i juz threw watever i cld into the dustbin n shove watever i cldnt to one side. finally, i literally cleared out a space for myself amidst the literal mess. tis reminds me of the Bible verse tat goes sthg like finally the Lord has made an opening for me so tat i cld be fruitful in the land. haha. being absolutely facetious here.

Ln shared sthg abt work wif me n i realised tat i still hv a lot of catching up to do before i can be an effective leader to my sheep. i tink i still am not bold enuf to say my piece n tat i tend to compromise sometimes wif human authority. so i told her to be obedient to wat God n cgl hv told her n in a way i told myself tat too. confirmations fr God r so impt to me n i pray tat He will confirm tat the time is now for Ln to step out in faith. 

For if this plan or this work is of man, it will come to nothing. but if it is from God, it cannot be overthrown, lest you be found to fight against God, the Bible says in Acts.

tis verse means so much to me. 

cos it showed me tat indeed tat plan did come to nothing. n i am fully convinced.

perhaps matthew 6:33 means to also choose God when dilemmas tat concern church n my parents arise. 

wat kind of decision wld a leader and someone who puts God first make?

i cldnt believe it too but i was warded again on mon morn aft a long 4-hr fiasco at A&E. started chemo on sun n by sun night, i felt tat queasiness in my stomach again n i knew wat was coming: pukes. i tink i had done a good job in eating my pills on time so tat i puked at almost the same time as last fri. aft yet another futile attempt to hold the pukes n forever b in peace, i retched n then vomitted din n then some yellow liquid 2 hours later. the diarrhoea was bad, judging by the rate the stoma was spewing out liquids. half an hr for half a bag to b exact. so at 2 plus on mon morn, my bro saw me come out of the room wif the bag of puke n he decided to rouse my parents fr their slumber n send me straight to A&E. again. 

the initial prognosis was tat my small intestine was over-stimulated so tat it was spewing out the defecation prematurely. my initial prognosis to tat prognosis was: bullshit. but hospital playing rule is tat whoever has the needles wins so i kept to myself n didnt even dare to roll my eyes for fear of showing my disdain. 

me: (showed the registrar the bag of contents) so u mean it is not diarrhoea?
doc: no. it is not diarrhoea.

aft 5 min
me: (to the med officer) so it is not diarrhoea?
doc: no. we suspect tat ur intestine is too active. so we r gg to give u medicine to slow it down. 

so dun say i didnt give them the chance to redeem themselves. cos of tis, they kept me in the A&E observation ward for 2 hrs. wif bright lights, machines beeping and no pillows, it was so uncomfortable. n the fact tat it was like 4 in the morn didnt help. i was thinking of how my parents n my bro were being tortured outside of the A&E cos they muz hv been really tired n they had to wait til 6am before the doc saw me again. in the end, they decided to ward me cos stoma was still spewing out contents. it was nearly 7.30am when i was finally warded n guess wat? i was given loperamide, the med for diarrhoea by my team of doc at the ward. sigh. who can i trust? 

on wed, i told my team of docs tat the loperamides were not working cos i was still having diarrhoea. my surgeon was part of the team aft he came bac fr his conference n he had wanted to discharge me on wed but the team saw me on wed evening n decided tat i had beta stay another nite. so i finally told them tat perhaps they shld switch me to the branded one, the one tat johns hopkins had prescribed to me n not the generic one tat they had been giving me. 

thurs morn.
surgeon: so u didnt go home yesterday? 
me: no. (OS: n who caused it? who kept giving me the generic drug? huh? huh?)
doc 2 in team: so ur diarrhoea is better now.
me: yup. the branded one worked.
surgeon: yeah, for me i also prefer imodium (the name of the branded drug) when i hv diarrhoea. 

very good. luckily my 4-day stay at the hospital had been quite alright, wif seeing my surgeon for two days in a row being the icing on the cake. if not i wld hv exploded wif frustration at how they wld still continue wif a prescription tat didnt freaking work. thank God for His wisdom and for imodium! 

it's alright tat i had to stay in hospital. it is alright tat i had to go thru the puking n poking so tat my left arm is now dotted wif 5 needle-poke scars. there muz hv been a reason why God allowed it to happen n i am still privileged to be used by Him tis way. perhaps i was there cos the lady in the next bed had suspected colorectal cancer n when she was not diagnosed wif it n she knew abt me n my cancer, she wld be grateful n live her life to the fullest fr now onwards. perhaps i was there so tat i cld talk to tat young medical student who popped by my bed to practise his info soliciting skills so tat God cld tell him thru my mouth he muz become a doc who is good to his nurses n to hang in there despite how demoralising it cld be when he meets a young patient who is dying. perhaps i was there so tat my entire family cld get together in my ward n juz concentrate on talking n catching up. the ward is small n wif no computers or kitchen or living room to go to n so everyone was finally seated around n near one another to talk n laugh together. 

perhaps i was there so tat i cld finally hear for myself tat my daddy has finally accepted the Lord's presence in our household.

nurse: what is your daughter's religion?
daddy: her? she is a Christian.

was itchy mouthed n ate some kimchi. 3 slices to be exact. n before long, the stomach became queasy. it became queasier when i came hm fr servicing my car n i decided to eat some cherries. i reckoned it was hunger but it turned out otherwise cos after din, the queasiness worsened. so at ard 11pm, i puked out the contents in my stomach n it marked the start of an episode of thrill, shrills n pills. it was thursday nite.

fri morn, 4am, i woke up n realised tat i had diarrhoea cos of the increased discharge fr my stoma n the watery nature of it. i tried to puke again but nthg came out. it was the same at 6 plus n 7 plus. gosh. it is getting worse, i had thot to myself. but naivety n denial made me tink of sleeping it all away. of cos tat didnt happen n i woke up feeling bad. called my chemo doc n she suggested gg down for a drip but tat meant i had to stay overnight n i hate hospital stays. so i took the alternative n went to my gp instead for some med n tried to down some isotoic drinks to hydrate myself. by then i was feeling all woozy. while waiting for the lift after the trip to the gp, i puked out the isotonic drink n i was gg to cry. but i ate the med n slept for a while n i thot i felt beta. when i woke up to clear my bag of its content, i nearly fainted in the toilet. i cried out to my mum n she yelled for my bro to help. it was the worst feeling. all the blood seemed drained fr my body n i was breaking out in cold sweat. i felt the beads of perspiration dripping down my face as i tried my darnest to ans my mum's n my bro's qn to me. but nthg came out n at one pt, i juz gave up trying n fell back into my mum's arms. she was gg to cry. she yelled my name n slapped my face but i juz cldnt react. aft a while, i managed to lift my arm n tat calmed her a bit. i was semi- conscious. my bro carried me back to my room n they called for the ambulance. it was 1777 first but the operator told my bro to call for 995 after assessing my situation. n boy were they fast! it was under 5 min n the doorbell rang. so one thing's proven. they do react in 7 min. i am proud of our SCDF! so they did wat they needed to do n before long, i was in the ambulance, my hand was poked wif the drip n we were speeding down to the hospital. 

it was totally unglamorous. i was decked out in my home t-shirt n shorts n had neither my bra nor my slippers on. i had been perspiring n i had not bathed. frustration set in when i had to be warded. but i tink it was my parents n siblings who were more frustrated cos they cldnt do much. then there was the haggling over whether to admit me under johns hopkins or ttsh itself cos i am on chemo. the wait was a long 2 n a half hours before i was transferred fr the resus ward to the normal ward n during which the doc had the time to poke me twice to draw blood. 

anyway, chemo doc allowed me to hold off the chemo for two days til i recover so tat "the chemo drugs wont be wasted". she confessed tat she is very stingy when it comes to tis cos it is no use for me to eat n then puke everything out again. i muz hv made many docs in the hospital their day when i told them the reason for my food poisoning. everytime i mentioned "kimchi", they wld laugh. the team of docs fr general surgery was the most amused cos we actually started a small conversation surrounding kimchi n its effects on me. n when they left, they all grinned at me real widely, like we've become good frens. i grinned back too cos they allowed me to go home. thank God it is over!

in retrospect, everything becomes amusing.

met up wif my ins agent yesterday n got wind of a shocking piece of news. tat her fren, the one who had met up wif me at the initial stage of my treatment juz to share his experiences of his fight wif his cancer ordeals (yup.. twice), discovered tat the cancer has come back the third time. n tis time round, he is unable to even undergo radiation cos there is only tat much radiation tat one can go thru in one's lifetime. he reacted adversely to chemo before n therefore it is not an option either. the only way now is to go thru surgery but tat wld mean tat he has to carry a stoma bag for life. 

i gaped at the news.

at tat moment, i realised the immense grace tat God has showered upon me to hv healed me completely. tat sometimes, healing does not come easy n does not come the first time round.
at tat moment, i realised tat he is the bona fide man of strength and faith. cos ins agent told me tat he is still optimistic abt life n he even took time to counsel another fren's sister who has nose cancer. he even rem me n asked abt how i am doing. tis can only b the peace of God.

and i do hv the faith in God. tat not only has He filled his heart wif peace, He has also prepared a way of escape for him oredy when He allowed him to go thru tis trial. tis is perhaps the opportunity for God's miracle.

ins agent told me tat the latest report shows tat 1 in 4 might b inflicted wif cancer in the years to come. tis is logically possible, wif all the stress n the unhealthy lifestyles tat urbanites r leading. therefore it is even more important for us to grow in our faith n b strengthened cos tis is the best n perhaps the only way we can b prepared for a time like tat. many cancers r undetectable in their early stages. tat translates into a potential shocker for many. 

then now, perhaps we first-world dwellers shld b envious of those living in the rural areas where the stress is much lesser n the lifestyle is simple n healthy. was watching tis travel documentary last nite n was thinking abt how hard life muz b for these people living in the depths of the mountains cos they nd to walk like a few hours juz to get to civilisation. now i beg to differ. perhaps tis is a blessing. 

during my quiet time last nite, i was overwhelmed wif emotions. overwhelmed by my gratefulness to the Lord. tat He has saved me once again. i told God once again tat i owe my life to Him n tat i will live my life to the fullest for His kingdom's cause. 

i used to be like martha, "worried and troubled about many things" Luke 10:41 n thus was negligent of the "good part" Luke 10:42. i used to take my life for granted n sought things tat were empty n tat cld not promise anything. but i hv repented.

thank You Lord, for allowing me to go thru tis trial and bringing me thru it. like lance armstrong, i am grateful to the Lord for my cancer for it is thru tis tat i truly see wat my purpose of my life on earth is.

korean fren came back for a visit n had a swell time wif him. met him 3 out of his 4-day visit here n tis time round, got to noe his trader frens even better. in fact, it had probably opened a door for me to bring one of them to church. another one for Christ. another unexpected spin-off fr his visit is tat one of his other fren started hitting on me. showed the text message to korean fren at the airport n his countenance sullened when he read the part abt "wld love to catch up with u soon". 
 
him: so he is into u now?
me: *wide-eyed" no!
him: yes he is.
me:*wider-eyed* NO!
him: well, i am juz jealous tat he gets to catch up wif u n i dun.
me: well, we can catch up over msn.
him: *turned towards counter* yeah...

i was absolutely unconvinced tat his fren was hitting on me until yesterday when his advancement went into full-swing. all the "as beautiful as u", " u make a good partner n every guy dream gal" texts started popping up n i was stunned. i hv not received texts like tat for aeons n for a moment, i cldnt react to them properly. perhaps i shld hv told him tat i really dun buy such sweet talks. 

korean fren flirts wif me sometimes too when he was here. but i guess it's cos we're so close n comfortable wif ea other tat his facetiousness becomes funny. not wif other guys tat i do not noe well. so i sort of tried to fend off woo-er's advancements by oxymoronicaly hinting my disinterest conspicuously wif how i am "out of the dating scene now" and "will look out for strong christians" around me cos he is an unbeliever. 

goodness. i really am uptight cos i dun wana hurt any r/s cos he is his fren. it has been complimenting n ego-boosting to hv someone like me. haha. yes. even though i am secure in the Lord, such ego-boosting trips r still gratifying to my ego. to anyone's ego in fact.

they r all nice guys. one of them is even handsome. but being nice n handsome is not enuf. it's really the heart for God tat counts for me now. was reading the Bible last nite n came to Deuteronomy 8. it spoke to me n i told God tat when i am out of my wilderness n enjoying His blessings, i will not forget wat He has done for me. i will not forget how He has "led me all the way... in the wilderness" Deut 8:2 and how He has "chastened me" Deut 8:5. marrying someone wif the same heart for God is one of the ways i show my love n loyalty for God.

anyway, was musing to K last nite tat i particularly enjoy tis r/s wif korean fren cos it is such a healthy r/s. we r open towards ea other, noe ea other well enuf, bond well wif ea other's frens, same faith etc. in fact we r so close in the eyes of his frens tat they kept poking fun at us. korean fren told one of them tat his attempt to surprise me failed cos i oredy knew tat he was cmg bac n his fren commented, "cos u two r telepathic wat". then there was the discussion abt the names of our babies among him n two gals. duh. n stupid korean fren really fanned the fire when he held my hand n announced tat he is gg to marry me when one fren asked him when he is getting married. 

the above anecdotes r amusing n tat is abt it. i cannot envision myself being married to him cos he is still in rebellion towards the Lord. the only time i felt like i was falling in love wif him was when he came to church sometime back. then he rebelled against God again n the great divide ensued. until now. 

it is enuf tat we r in ea other's hearts as ea other's BFF. until i mt my husband tat is.

picked up the longest new word since 'shenanigan' today from the newspapers.

septuagenarian.
a word to describe a person between 70 to 79 years of age. a whopping 14 letters!

an earthquack of 7.8 on the richter scale hit china yesterday n i was telling my daddy abt how ASEAN is so busy recently. i mean, we r still grappling wif the tragedy tat cyclone nargis has brought to mayanmar n now tis. 

was reading abt how the junta was refusing aid workers to enter myanmar n was overcome by the compassion for the 1.5 million victims who are now struggling to survive amidst the risks of a pandemic, starvation n dehydration. the HS prompted me to pray for the victims n for the softening of the hearts of the junta n today the papers reported tat the junta is relaxing a little oredy. hallelujah! 

the Lord will bring respite to those r suffering, christians or not.

went to see my chemo doc tis morn n got poked 3 solid times before they cld get enuf blood out of me. so was jesting to Mg tat i am the cousin of pokemon, poke-me-more. hahaha. well, since i oredy got poked, i was able to share the experience in a more facetious manner. 

tat is why now i dun tink i even wana tink abt the impending barium enema tat i hv to go thru before my reversal op. reading the synopsis on tis procedure is like reading a horror story tat is definitely not for the gutless, literally. but i guess i shld be very very very happy tat i hv a gut to begin wif so tat i nd to go thru tis, like how those wif headaches shld rejoice cos tat means they hv brains. wat is gg to happen is so similar to the colonoscopy tat i am cringeing as i am writing tis. wif my hands trembling n eyes tearing n my rectum trying to retreat even deeper into the rest of the gut for fear of yet another foreign object invading into its space if not for the muscles tat r holding it in place. so i suspect the next stunt it is gg to try might b to juz win the muscles of the arsehole over so tat it wld shut itself real tight when tat day comes. in tat way, everybody's safe. but i tink the people administering tis arent stupid either. they muz hv encountered tis trick by the many other rectums n arseholes so, in a show of intellectual superiority, they included tis thing called a muscle relaxant. sigh. it sounds like the war is oredy lost before it even starts. 

as i tink of tis impending barium enema, my brain is flooded wif memories of all the pains n discomforts tat i had gone thru for the past months. the only reaction is tat it is enuf. i had enuf. but i wonder if my surgeon can really empathise wif me. i wonder if those administering tis hv gone thru it themselves. if it is a negative, tat they r truly ignorant of the discomfort tat it might possible bring me, then.. then... then... sigh.. then they r really blessed to be healthy. when tat day comes, i will ask my Deliverer to come n numb all those discomforts. hmm.. then again, might as well ask God to make my surgeon forget abt tis! this sounds good! i really dun nd to go thru tis cos God has healed me completely oredy. so i hv no reservations abt skipping tis superfluous procedure. i wld say tat the adjuvant chemo is superfluous too but i see how God has used tis to show off His power by breaking thru for me once again so tat i am not affected by the pills one bit! hallelujah! i wld love it of cos if i wake up one day n discover tat God has miraculously put the stoma back! but yeah.. perhaps tat sounds a tad too incredulous. i mean of cos God can do tat but i am sure He doesnt wana freak everyone else out too. my egoistic surgeon might still wana cut me up cos he cldnt believe tat God wld do a better job than he. 

watever i am gg thru, God has His purpose cos His ways r higher than our ways n His thots higher than our thots. though it might b unsettling sometimes most of the time when we wont noe His purpose and His plans until we hv gone thru them. but it boils down to our relentless trust in Him, His goodness and His sovereignty.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11.

breezed into river island the other nite n decided to try a stunt. so bought a striped long cotton blouse tat is rather body hugging. as i had donned a dress tat was pretty cumbersome to take off, i did a second stunt: i didnt even try on the blouse. a small size shld suffice for both me n my stoma bag. 

back home, i anxiously tried on my purchase n to my delight, it was juz nice. to concretely prove its worth, i wore the blouse out for shopping wif K at central the very next day. then to my amusement, the bag began to bulge fr beneath the blouse. so the blouse does accentuate the bulge but i took it as juz looking pregnant.

it's the lunch. i told a bemused K. 

then after ard 45 min after clearing the bag, it bulged again.

again? wat is it tis time round? the coffee n the strawberry shortcake? a bewildered K asked, wide- eyed.
i dunno leh. i tink it is still the lunch. cos i ate a full bowl of porridge. i answered her sheepishly. 

i noe u wont believe me, but after half an hour, there came the bulge again. 

okay, maybe i really ate a little too much for lunch. i tink the coffee has a part to play tis time round too though. i thot to myself n went to the ladies, resigned at becoming a nanny who was absolutely at the beck n call of the stoma. at the expense of my shopping somemore. 

seriously, it does get tiring after a while. at home, it is easy cos the toilet's nearby. but when i am outside, i am not any less busy than a mum wif 2 kids in tow. looking out for the ladies n clearing it nearly every hr, esp aft food. my average time in the ladies now is 15min cos my stoma n its bag are attention- seeking little things tat require me to clean them frequently n almost to an obsessive-compulsive state. 

one reason why i dun dare to really gorge myself is to prevent the hassle of cleaning an avalanche of defecation.

the other reason is spiritual. i hv to prevent offence against the stoma n its bag from surfacing in me.

got the shock of my life when i checked my pay for tis mth. the amt was so obscene tat i gaped then yelled then my leg muscles had to be activated to prevent me from falling off the chair. 

S$450.

i hv nv seen such an obscene amt on my payslip since i started work. so reality has set in n bit me real hard in my arse. they hv started to deduct my pay. n i went shopping yesterday n spent a bomb. the only thing tat is consolable is tat the pressies will make two ladies very happy n loved so it is worth it. guess it's time again for me to tighten my belt n wean myself off shopping for a good while until they r done pro-rating my pay. 

however, it is only money. i can always earn the money back. but i hate unpleasant surprises like tis tat jolt my soul out of my body. 

well. i shld juz quit complaining n tink abt the thousands being inflicted wif the tragedy caused by the cyclone in myanmar.

i will still give despite everything. 

for i am so blessed by God already.